Dear America

So Yikes, America

On the one hand, I agree totally that wearing a mask sucks monkey balls. I have a big head, but my face is kinda small and positioned on it in such a way that my ears don’t hold masks and my eye glasses in place without one (or both) falling to the floor if I move too fast. And anti-fog spray or not, nose wire or not, when it’s cold, my glasses fog up. I am a mouth breather (the hard truth, everyone) and so yeah, no one can tell that when I have a mask on, but my glasses fog up extra quick. (I am a mouthbreather and so in no small part I de-oxygenate quickly… I also have perennially cold hands, so OxSat readers always have a time with me. It unfortunately is probably indicative of a problem, but it also just is a thing that happens, so whenever a fucking health care provider sees it happen, they insist on doing a shit ton of pulmonary work ups… and I have a few nodules, I have clear enough lungs with low volume. I breathe mildly better after an application of albuterol, but no one would call it asthma because I don’t wheeze (I cough, which is supposed to be a “guy with asthma thing… not a lady with asthma thing”… yeah, I know, the shit I have heard from doctors) I hate having these workups because then no one finds shit that’s actionable for the problem at hand, and they blame me and of course it keeps happening. Anyway. I digress).

But they’re good for the fact that sometimes you get acne, or I get this weird thing, I forget what it’s called, it’s because I am a huge pile of stupid shit healthwise though… Angiitis? I don’t know, and I can’t be assed to look it up right now, sorry. The sides of my mouth get red and crack and it’s fucking nasty. Now no one has to look at it though.

It’s also good when you, uh, get in a fight with the sidewalk, because it is poor form to look at your feet when you walk and you sure don’t want to fuck your hips and back up more so you stand up straight… and if you, ah, are from New England and you walk like you are from New England (that is to say, like you have to be somewhere immediately even when you don’t)… It’s good if you take a full on face plant into a sidewalk travelling about 3 miles per hour. Because if you catch most of the impact with your jaw, you will be wearing a mask to cover that bruise.

And seeing as this isn’t my first time smacking the sidewalk with my face, I know that those bruises like to keep appearing and fading, appearing and fading, for a good six months. It’s amazing. That should time out nicely with when the vaccine should be available to me, and then maybe, maybe by the time it’s actually okay to go out without one on… and I’m thinking possibly that’s going to be this time next year, maybe a little sooner if people don’t get all anti-v**x bullshit on this, but maybe it’ll be all cleared up by the time we can finally take them off and just walk around.

Until then, I’m wearing one. And probably after then, too, because getting a shot doesn’t give you the license to go out and be gross all over the place and lick fucking handrails and stuff and obviously some of you motherfuckers do.