I have a telehealth appointment with my pain doctor, and as per like, everyone, they do a depression screening. That’s cool, that’s a great thing to do and have normalized and shit, but one thing I think that they ask there and nobody else does is “Do you feel uneasy?” and I’m like…
…what the fuck does that even mean? In relation to my hip tendons being shredded long pig? In relation to… ghosts? The world immediately outside? The larger picture? Yeah, fuck, I feel fantastic that we are all gonna die, some of us fucking horrifically, but statistics say probably not me, just like, generally.
If you answer that you do feel at ease, do they immediately come take your pulse? Brand you a liar? I mean, fuck, that leaves a lot up to interpretation, and depending on the context, says a lot or is a waste of a radio button on a survey.
Do I feel at ease with the idea I’m going to always hurt? (Or that I have for so long I don’t even notice it so much until it becomes a thunderous beating of ow?) Well, no, but like, I’ve also become resigned to it. It is what it is and there gets to be a point where there’s just better places to point one’s uneasiness, I guess.
I always mean to ask what the fuck that question is on about, but then I forget. I also fear that I’ll get an answer that confirms the rorschachiness of it all for the care provider. I suppose as long as it’s that one clinic, fine… I love them, they’re lovely people there… but certainly I can see someone squeezing that answer into the other boxes in these screenings… Uneasiness isn’t anxiety, I don’t think. It’s like when they ask if you have stress… How the fuck do you answer that? Like, nearly literally, stress is life. Stress is what helps keeps veins from collapsing and blood pooling… I know that’s not what they’re asking, but it’s also… what they are asking. If you really don’t feel stress, they probably should bust out the paddles, there’s nothing to lose.
I should introduce them to “overwhelmed.” Overwhelmed with uneasiness about anything, bad. Uneasiness? Jesus fuck, have you looked out the motherfucking window?