Goddammit, America, you… we… are a bunch of weird motherfuckers. I have to cast some serious fucking side eye and not forgive in any way, shape or form the 20% of the total population that still apparently supports that orange piece of shit… Especially the increased number of white broads that voted for him this time. Hey, as a white broad, what the actual fuck are you thinking, white broads? Jesus Christ. You are not okay.
However, on Saturday, I had the pugs out back peeing, and I was scrolling through my Twitter feed, and I saw that multiple news organizations had called for Biden/Harris. I will admit that given the pool of fucking awesome primary peeps, they were not even on my top four list, and Harris was definitely above Biden in my list, but seeing this announced finally… finally… was a damn relief. It’s like, yay, we have a fighting chance of not descending back into this. I don’t know if we’ll manage, because the orange guy is only a symptom of the infection, a giant oozing greasy pustule spurting weird smelling sebaceous fluid and ear wax all over. (Sorry, had a rough night with a dog who had a spider bite and another who wanted to murder and a third who thinks spider bites and murders are a game.) But it’s a relief to have like… doctors and scientists who deal with diverse communities and infectious disease on the COVID Taskforce, not motherfucking Mike Pence who couldn’t bring himself to implement a safe needle program and had an entire community in his state get HIV because of it. Because he’s an incompetent asshole and a piece of shit giving even the piece of shit type of Christians bad names.
Anyway, I was out back, saw the announcement, thought, “It took them long enough” but no one wants to be the dude who wrote the “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline, so I get it. And then I thought, “Yay.” And then I heard the neighbor kids come out, and the people next door to them, and the people on the other side of the golf course, and the people at the housing authority houses, and the people on Hyde Park Ave all cheering and whacking their golf clubs together and honking and it was motherfucking glorious.
And then the lame duck president’s lawyer, who was somehow once called America’s Mayor because to his credit he wasn’t quite as obvious a pile of shit on 9/11 as he is today… He booked a legal press conference at the Four Seasons in Philly. Except he couldn’t get the Four Seasons (come on, you know that credit card will be declined for what they’re gonna charge. You know it.) Because we can’t ever fucking be wrong, they had to go the other Four Seasons in Philly. It’s a landscaping place, in an industrial park, by one of the skeeviest looking adult book stores I have seen since the 70s (and I guess I didn’t see them first hand. Photos. I mean, I was seven, so it isn’t like I frequented them or anything), across the street from a crematorium (which is funny, because I realized every crematorium looks pretty much alike. It’s like Taco Bells or the old Circuit City. You just… know). The front of the landscaping place looked nice enough, but naaaaah, these glorious motherfuckers put them in the back parking lot, near the rusting remains of other industrial structures and busted up landscaping debris and piles of fucking rebar and shit.
And they hung signs, and set up a podium, and were running late, and just before they were ready to go, the race was called. And here’s fucking Rudy Giuliani, a guy who sold his fucking soul to some oligarchs in Eastern Europe, a guy who married his first cousin (look, I know it isn’t quite as inbred as it sounds, except… he knew and there isn’t really a reason to marry your first cousin if you don’t live on a fucking remote island. If you grew up on Pitcairn, fine. New York state? Nah, you’re a fucking weirdo), a guy who was the AG of the Southern District of New York and Mayor of NYC, a guy who you know now must have stolen all the fucking cocaine he could from the evidence warehouse when he left the AG position… Here he is, sweating, because honestly the guy sweats so much he makes me look like my pores are parched, and trust me… I am gross with the sweating… here is drowning in sweat, sun glaring off his forehead like Archimedes’ Death Ray, stating to an ever shrinking crowd of reporters that the election was rigged but having no goddamn evidence that this isn’t just the same as every other election, but that more disenfranchised people turned out in more states and flipped them toward Biden. And it’s bullshit, like the pile of manure off to the side of the parking lot. And in the middle of that, they tell him the race was called.
What happens after that? Who the fuck cares? Fuck that guy. Fuck them all. He blustered around some and then everyone left, I guess. The guys that had the keys to the gate around the parking lot locked up, looked at each other, said, “That was the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen,” went home and had a beer. I don’t know. I can only imagine that the landscapers had to think someone was taking the piss with them, or that they figured it was worth a laugh, knowing how their parking lot off of the 1000s block of PA State Road that runs through Philly compares to a swanky new downtown hotel. They probably didn’t get a whole lot of lead time to think it through. I hope they fucking milk it for all it’s worth. I wouldn’t have said no if I were them, mainly because regardless of how much I hate the guy, I don’t know as I ever would have thought that was what was going to go down.
Actually, I would have been a tremendous wuss and worried about the insurance ramifications of using my parking lot as an event venue, but maybe not if I actually work with wood chippers and giant mulchers and forklifts every day. Business insurance must be fairly pricey but also robust and I suppose between the chipper and the crematory, your bases would be covered.
We really are still so fucked. So fucked. So fucked that this could happen, so fucked because we are no where out of the tail spin and I’m not sure that anyone is going to be good enough on the rudder of power to get us the fuck out without worse shit happening later. But here’s a shot at it, anyway, a better one than we had.
First, this damn pandemic needs to be dealt with by scientists, not the guy who makes fucking microwaveable buckwheat pillows or whatever the fuck that MyPillow fucker does. It’s going to suck, the economy is going to suck, all sorts of things are going to suck, but it’s better to suck now than in a year. It would have been better for this to suck in April than November, but we had a fucking piece of shit that screams real loud in charge. (He still is in charge. And I am aware the chances are good the tantrum is going to be epic in bad ways… epic and bad in ways that far exceed the epic awesomeness of the Four Seasons switcharoo.)
Second, the electoral college needs to go. If you look at how this all breaks down, it turns out, America, that we aren’t nearly the racist, fascist shits that I would have thought on Wednesday. There’s still a lot of racist, fascist shits, don’t get me wrong. But there are a lot of people with historically no representation in areas that flipped, and history clearly points to voter suppression as a reason, not voter fraud, and that’s not okay.
If I’m a coastal elite (which I would not say, but someone in East Pubehair, North Bumfuck, Indiana might), then… so is 97% of the Navajo Nation. I would agree we probably do see eye to eye on a lot of things, but they were a significant reason that Arizona flipped totally Democrat. It isn’t that they didn’t care before. It isn’t that there wasn’t shit tons of suppression tactics they had to grapple with voting this time… I know it was easier for me to vote than it was for them. I know it is easier for me to vote as a white broad in Massachusetts than it is for a white man in Mississippi or Louisiana or New Hampshire. And that’s fucked, you guys. That’s fucked. And it’s racist beyond the shadow of a doubt.