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Big Thoughts Dear America Intentionally Paving the Road to Hell

Can Yankee Doodle Trump Cheez Doodle?

Dear America,

If I had a time machine, I’d go back to Boston and Philadelphia in 1775 and 1776 (I would bring bug spray. I’d also be wearing pants and sneakers and I would totally show Ben Franklin my no line progressive lenses in my glasses and tell him… “This is all you, my man.” I don’t know whether it truly is or if he was just a fashionista who had simultaneously shit vision, near and far, but I’m getting to the bad news and he strikes me as a man who really loved the shout outs and deserved enough of them.)

I am pretty sure I would have to tell them the grand experiment failed, and we lost the republic in like… the stupidest way possible. And I can’t recall if I’ve written about this before but it is increasingly clear that yeah, we aren’t going to get a… clean transition of administration. It’s just going to be a matter of how that transition plays out. Given all the flaming falling shitballs about absentee versus mail in voting (you know, the same god damn thing) and then going in and breaking the USPS’s knees and the fact that damn near every week the son of a bitch in the Oval Office tells people in North Carolina (specifically, although I don’t know what that’s about, really) that it is fine to vote twice (and you know, it isn’t. Just saying there is shit I shouldn’t have to tell anyone, and  I shouldn’t have to tell you you can’t vote twice. And the idea that the guy running the country (into the ground) is saying this…? Yeah. Best case scenario is he casts doubt on what is a resoundingly clear win for Biden in a normal world and does what he always does, lie and litigate. I guess his hope is he is granted an escape route? Worst case scenario is he somehow wins, by cheating or because we’re really that fucking stupid, and in the interest of the Republic and of civility it is just accepted, and so help me god, I don’t believe we can do that.

But we do have to watch this unfold, because it’s still probably the surest way to minimize loss of… well, everything. Life, stability, trade, diplomacy, progress. We have to play by the rules, but the Founding Fathers weren’t necessarily the fucking best at laying down rules, and let’s face it… The guy in the president’s seat sprays himself orange to look healthy, combs his five unnaturally long strands of piss yellow hair around and kinda staples it to the back of his head (have you noticed this? God, Jefferson was a red-head and wore a powdered wig. He was a dickhead in many, many ways… a progressive, yet backwards dickhead, but still… dude had the sense to wear a wig. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni, but Yankee Doodle sure beats the shit out of Cheese Doodle.) The Founding Fathers could not have foreseen this.

Tyranny, yes. They knew about that. They thought a lot about how to avoid it. They argued a lot and didn’t come to consensus all the time (face it, some of them went to bed angry. I go to bed angry all the time. Tell me John Hancock didn’t go to bed angry, bitch. I will fight you.) But they’d all lived with it previously and no longer wanted to live with it. But it’s fucking hard to lay out the rules when you don’t know you will have a giant sprawling country with infrastructure that allows for the near instantaneous transmission of information (and misinformation) and that we’ve actually had it so relatively… good… and I say that fully aware that a bunch of states told the other half to fuck off over keeping people as livestock and it all very well could have came down crashing worse. I say that fully aware that 1812 was a hairy, hairy time for a burgeoning new country…

But we’ve had it so relatively good as far as new governments and rebel colonies go, we sort of went along expecting rules will be followed… not because these are rules or laws, but because honor.

And we elect this piece of shit that has no honor, no sense of honor… actually, real pieces of shit, actual fecal matter, has more honor than this administration, because at least motherfucking flowers grow from actual shit. At least real shit creates. And we keep saying “He can’t do that!” and he does. And then he does it some more. He actually has his people out putting his intentions out there now.

He’s not going to go peacefully. Even if House and Senate transition over to a Democrat majority and he refuses to leave and they impeach him for real and for sure… he’s not going to go peacefully. It’s a question of… how do we minimize the suck while making sure shit changes that this doesn’t happen this way again?

It’s busted because for some reason we forgot that tyrants don’t give a shit about unwritten rules or written laws. (“I think he’s learned his lesson,” Susan Collins, Senator from Maine, says again. No, Susan. No.) There is a lot of denial that it’s busted, but it has been. And part of it… sure, part of it, from the beginning, was by design. Consensuses (consensi? Huh.) that were reached did not treat all men equally, and wasn’t real clear on what was meant by men. I know how we interpret it, but it’s kinda like with the Bible…  C’mon, not using the Lord’s name in vain. If I yell “GODDAMMIT!” or “JESUS TOE JAM FUCKING CHRIST!” is that a sin, but using my ministry to fleece money off old people and sell them and their ailing kidneys protein shakes so that they can be closer to JEEEZus, amen, not a sin, as I am doing the Lord’s work?

Shit, sorry. That took a turn. At this point, I hope that most people who are able to be in there directly and make laws and change shit in Congress (or who will be) are aware that now we’re just looking at damage control, with “damage” likely being the catastrophic type. And I hope they approach with the awareness that this can’t happen again, because if this continues to cycle in this way… even if we dodge the bullet this time, the wrecking ball will come if we don’t change.

Post Script: America, please don’t be stupid. Wear a mask, wash your hands, get a goddamn flu shot you sons of bitches, and keep six to ten feet away from each other even with a mask on. The guy in office doesn’t care about you, he never did. And like the coronavirus, he could give two shits what he destroys in his wake.